Have you ever had dear friends?  A group of friends with which you can share just about anything?  They know your secrets, your struggles, your chocolate addictions, and your need to sneak out to late night movies to feel like a normal human being again without three little people hanging on your hems... They know the struggles of living in a place that feels so much like home but is so far from the place you call home by name...  They were there at the moments you knew that life was growing inside you, felt the first movements your children made in the womb, indulged crazy cravings, were there in the first hours of your new one's life, and fed your family and your nursing body in those first days as a new family... They shared their children with you, their stories, their imported coffee, their ministry ideas, their dreams and their visions... They opened their hearts knowing that your friendship was a safe place to share it... They traveled away at times, as did you, but when you came back together, it was just as it was before, just as it should be... They were so different from you, you looked, acted, and sometimes even believed such different things, but you sharpened each other, grew each other in wisdom and appreciated all that you brought to the relationship because of the differences you shared... I had that, and was blessed beyond measure by the hearts of some amazing women!  I'm still searching for that on this side of the equator... I thought in my heart of hearts that I could hold on to what was... maintain that intimacy no matter the miles.  And while I know that if I stepped off a plane tomorrow I would find beautiful faces to meet me, I also know that life has gone on... their's and mine.  So I'm learning to come to peace with the idea of being grateful for what was, and knowing that in those years of friendship plenty, God showered me with such love, such kindness, and such grace in the hearts of my amazing friends that I will forever be grateful and blessed for the memories of wonderful years and for the lessons that I take with me on my journey...

(Sometimes it still hurts so to know that the life you left is slipping farther and farther away... tonight is one of those nights... Thank you Father for the bounty that you bestowed upon me, help me to always remember with gratitude and not disappointment).

My amazing Grant :)

Four years ago tonight you, my dearest second born, came into our lives and we've never been the same. You Grant Thomas, were the opening to the flood gates of my heart, the one who taught me what it was like to bond at birth with my children, to love you gently and fiercely all at the same time, and to receive that love back from you :)

Tonight my dear one you turned four, and I'm amazed more and more everyday by you and who you're growing up to be. I'm amazed that it's actually been four years since I walked through the door of our apartment on Calle Venezuela with you tucked in my arms... amazed at how well you slept and how happy you were (and still are :)... amazed at how you taught me what it meant to have a good eater in our house... amazed at how much laughter you bring into our home :)... amazed at how you taught me what true and genuine mama love is... amazed at how you've grown into such a strong and yet tender little boy... amazed at how gentle you can be (not that you always are :)... amazed at how you keep Nathan humble :)... amazed at how you've grown into your role as Joshua's big brother and how when you're not bugging the snot out of him, you're protecting him and watching out for him... amazed at how just last Sunday as Joshua sat sleeping in my arms at church you kept reaching over to pat his hand or rub his arm... amazed at how perfectly your chubby little fingers fit through mine as we pray together... amazed and grateful at how you still let me get in lots of snoogles and snuggles :)... amazed at how you're still excited at the end of everyday to meet me at the front door with a HUGE bear hug... amazed at how well you've weathered the changes in your little life my international baby... and amazed at how much I love you! I cannot imagine my life without you, and cannot imagine my identity without part of it being your mama... you are a joy, a treasure, and a blessing beyond words! I love you Grant Thomas, more than my next breath! Happy 4th Birthday sweet boy!