What color are you?

I remember sitting in the conference in Brazil. It seems like so so so long ago, and yet not even a year has passed. I was missing my boys and Gary who were miles away, but having wonderful fellowship with other missionary women, and trying to get a handle on all the changes that were coming our way with our move back to the states.

I remember hearing someone describe perfectly what I felt as a missionary wife. So many people have asked how we are, how we feel, how we're "settling in"... this is the best way I know to answer that question... Close your eyes and imagine yourself colored blue. I think some people see a little cartoon person, a paper doll cut out type, but for some reason I see a dot person. Kind of a cross between the M&M man and the dot people from the Ranger's games dot races :) don't ask, who knows why my imagination goes the direction it goes, but I digress...

So you're blue, and you board a plane bound for yellow land. You get to yellow land, you feel like you stick out kind of like a sore thumb oh wait, you do... you're blue. But even though you stick out, you grow to love yellow land. Parts of yellow land even rub off on you and you begin to look... yep, you've got it, green. So in yellow land, you don't stick out quite as badly as you used to. Green does at least carry an element of yellow in it.

But then the time comes for you to go back to blue land. It's been awhile, and it's time, it is after all where you're from. But as you're getting off the plane in blue land, you realize there's enough yellow that's rubbed off on you that even in your "home" land you don't look blue anymore. You're still that bright shade of green.

And Green is good. Green carries an element of BOTH blue and yellow within it, but it's still green... it's NOT blue, and it's NOT yellow. And in that moment, you realize you don't fit, anywhere anymore. You might go through resentment, moments of regret that you let the yellow rub off on you, moments where you wonder what life would have been like if you never left blue land... and then in the very next thought, moment, or breath you realize how grateful you are for every shade of yellow that you now proudly carry. You're grateful for the ways it has changed your perspective, your life, your family, your children, your marriage, and changed you for the better, forever... but no matter how you look at it, no matter how hard it was to leave blue land in the first place, or how hard it was to adapt to yellow land, how hard it was to leave yellow land after the roots you put down there, or how hard it was to come "home", or how grateful you are for all that your experience in yellow land has added to your life and heart, the truth remains the same... you're GREEN and you don't seem to fit anywhere...

Where to begin...

It's been one of those days... one of those, Seriously, can anything else go crazy today? kind of days... one of those I forgot Joshua's diaper bag at home and had to make a full round trip back to the house to get it days... one of those I ran around Wal-Mart like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get groceries for family we have coming into town kind of days... one of those I raised my voice WAY TOO MANY TIMES kind of days... one of those Joshua pooped in the bathtub kind of days... one of those I miss a life that has forward motion kind of days... yep, it's been one of those days... and at the end days like this all I want is a safe place to go... which makes me miss this woman right here... oh alright... I miss them both :)
Let me introduce you to my sweet mom, and her mom, my Grannie...

My mom... well, there just aren't enough words to tell you about this wonderful woman and the sacrificial love she carries in her heart for her family and those she loves. She's living this love out daily in caring for my Grannie who has been diagnosed with Parkinson's and all the myriad of physical ailments that come along with it. The example she is daily in the time, energy and love she pours out on her mother is amazing. And on days like today I miss my mommy (there I said it) and there's no particular reason... I just do.

But it's the integrity she has that makes me miss her (selfishly, there... I said it) because of the time that it takes to care for my Grannie. So today rather than focus on the time I miss out on with my mom... I took the time to remember how much I love my Grannie, and how I miss her too...

Parkinson's is a heart breaking disease. There is no other way to say it. It has robbed me of the woman I used to know and stolen so many of the things I love about her. When stressful days like today happened in college, I had somewhere to run to... my Grannie and Papa's house. I always knew that I could pick up the phone and come running (ok, driving 45 minutes up highway 67 if you want to be literal :) to the house that I knew from my birth. The house that had the garden out back full of fresh tomatoes and green beans, that showed me how disciplined and hard working my grandparents were. The kitchen that gave me so many hours with my Grannie, so many wonderful memories. The way she peeled potatoes, the way she always washed her wooden handled knives by hand to keep them looking beautiful :) the pinch of brown sugar that she added to her green beans, the first time she passed me a grapefruit spoon (I thought she was the coolest :) and the freezer full of peaches and pie crusts just waiting for her granddaughter to request a peach cobbler. We stood upon that floor for hours, bumping hips as we stood side by side cooking, laughing, and making memories. The living room that we sat in to watch grandparent shows like Wheel of Fortune, Iron Chef, and basically any other cooking show my Papa could find to watch :) The bedroom that was always made up and ready for me if I needed to spend the night.

When they sold that house it was so hard for me because every memory I have of them was wrapped up in those walls. And today, as my Grannie is in ICU (recovering well from pulmonary complications from PD) it hit me so hard how much I miss that sweet woman... her laugh... her ways.

When we lived in Bolivia it was hard because we were so far away, so removed... and now it's so hard because we're so close, and it's so real. I will miss her even more when God calls her home, but the missing has already started as the woman that I loved, and still love, is not the same at all...

So Grannie, know that I love you, know that I am so grateful for all that you taught me about the love of cooking and preparing meals for your family and those you love, for the art of a fun craft, for the way that you were faithful to Papa for all the years we were blessed to have him with us, and for the hugs that I usually forced on you :) but that you got used to over time, and eventually came to love (at least I've convinced myself you did :) God bless you sweet woman... and thank you for your biggest blessing in my life, your daughter, my mom :)

Triggers...

Well, we did it... we placed membership at a precious church just around the corner from our house. After much angst from this completely indecisive woman, the decision has been made and we're grateful for a place to call home, a place to start putting down some roots. Last Sunday as I made my way across the foyer trying to herd three little boys into worship I saw a sign-up table... the words "Ladies Day" were written beautifully across the top of a clipboard on a beautifully decorated table. My heart skipped a beat in anticipation and excitement, a chance to meet new friends, form new relationships and have some wonderfully needed fellowship. There was not a moment of nervousness (largely in part to the fact that our new church family puts me at ease), not a moment of anxiety or doubt over whether I should go... it was done, my name signed on the dotted line and my children counted in the number for childcare. "Ladies Day" was promptly written on the family calendar after our arrival from church and the week was passed looking forward to this morning...

And this morning arrived with boys sleeping late, breakfast eaten, diaper bags packed and everyone making it to the car somehow unscathed (ok, almost unscathed... there was a "raised voice" episode with Nathan for not having his shoes on when it was time to go... not my finest moment of the day!). We drove the 3 minutes, and I do mean three minutes (how awesome is that?) to the church building and unloaded ready for fun and fellowship. I dropped the boys at the nursery where they didn't shed a tear and I headed in. The first stop, the nametag table. But as I signed in, all I could think of was our Ladies tea nametag table in Cochabamba... the nametags that were made with such love and preparation for the special day... I picked out my nametag, tried to keep from crying over sweet memories and scrawled my name across the blank space. I entered the fellowship hall ready, or so I thought...

As I walked in a woman came along side me and asked, Are you looking for someone? Because apparently the "I don't know many people here and am just looking for an empty seat to warm" look is all to recognizable :) I said, No, I'm just new here so I'm looking for an empty seat. To which this sweet soul said, Oh where are you from? And with those simple words, making up a simple quesion, the trigger was pulled...

Re-entry triggers are the worst! You never know when they will strike. You may have the luxury of being alone in the privacy of your own home, or you maybe in the middle of super Wal-Mart surrounded by so many shampoo options that you're brought to tears. Maybe it strikes over a cup of coffee with a dear friend, or maybe when a sweet unsuspecting woman asks you where you're from... and so it was today! Bless her heart, she had no intention of bringing on the waterworks, no idea that with one question she could turn my emotional world upside down.

So I politely excused myself... made a tearful beeline to the back of the church and sought refuge in the safety of what every woman has used at one point or another... the bathroom stall :) But I knew I couldn't hide standing next to a toilet for the whole morning and so I ventured out into the hallway... but the tears would not stop. I found myself sitting in a preschool sized chair, five sizes too small for my mommy booty, bawling my eyes out, wishing I had a bag like Hermione to tuck entire boxes of Kleenex down inside.

It came out of nowhere, that trigger... it caught me off guard. I had been so excited to meet new people, have a morning with the ladies of our new church family... but now that I was there, all I wanted was to be with my church family in Cochabamba. In anticipation of our new life here I had looked forward to attending church activities as a spectator (not as the coordinator which had been my role with our teammates for so long now), and now, the anonymity of it all was more than I could handle. I wanted to look forward, pull myself up by my bootstraps and dive into our new life, but all I could do was look back and mourn the one lost.

Triggers are good because they push me to unleash some of the emotions from the experience of re-entry. They push my buttons just enough, forcing me to process things I would otherwise avoid. But dadgum... if they could just save their moments so that the emotional meltdowns happen in the privacy of my own home, I'd be much abliged!

(Epilogue... just in case you worried that I spent the entire morning crying... I had my meltdown, my I'm going to cry off all my mascara moment with some precious women who, even though they've never lived this journey I'm walking, came alongside me and held me, loved on me, and gave me a safe space to just have a good cry. And then after the tears had stopped, we had a marvelous time together, worshipping, being silly girls, and enjoying each other's company. Thank goodness for the family of God!)

Nathan's talks with God...

I, as a mama, feel so many days that the hours pass and I haven't done anything to intentionally mold and guide these precious three little boys towards heaven...towards God's truth and will for them.

But days like today feel like God comes alongside me and says, See, they are getting something... they are absorbing the faith they see lived out in their home. And my heart sighed.

It was a normal morning like any other in the Bull household. The boys had actually slept until almost 8 (which was a blessing in and of itself)... breakfast had been eaten without any battles and Grant and Nathan had decided it was time to draw after watching some of their favorite cartoons. Nathan is really turning into such a great little artist and I love seeing what he has to draw from his sweet mind these days. Today it was a portrait of our house. He pointed out to me our house, our family, the sky, the clouds and everything else his little eyes see... I ooed and ahhhd at all the right moments just like a good mama should.

Then he turned to me and said something that absolutely melted my heart. Mama, I'm going to go and show God. I wasn't really sure what showing God was going to look like. Gary and I exchanged looks from across the room as if to say... this should be good :)

And then he proceeded to run out into the backyard (half clothed... don't even ask :) and held his masterpiece up to the sky. His sweet little 5 year old fingers pointed to every detail as he looked up to heaven and told God all about his picture (screaming, just to make sure that God could hear him all the way up there... apparently we're going to have to work on the idea that God is with us everywhere, at a level that can be heard even at a whisper :)

In that moment as we watched our son share with his heavenly Father I thought to myself... thank goodness God is doing a work in these boys that surpasses my failings and shortcomings... that even in my busy days where I miss those moments to share my faith with them... God is moving in their little hearts, and allowing them to see something in their environment that is pointing them back to Him... I will be eternally grateful!

Let the re-entry begin...

I've realized more and more with every passing day that I have no idea what's going on inside of me... and since this place here, my little corner of the online world, usually involves me putting words to my thoughts, penning feelings and processing... I've been avoiding it... because this place that usually brings me such comfort is actually a scary place for me right now... so it's been put aside while I avoid all the confusion in my head and my heart...

The reality is that our family is so blessed!

The last month was supposed to be a month of settling in...
a month for us to get our feet underneath us,
for Gary to get ready and prepared for grad school,
for us visit our families,
for us to visit our supporters and churches,
and enjoy being back in the good 'ol US of A.

But instead it has been a time of survival. I can't lie and say that I'm not disappointed and frustrated that things didn't play out the way that we planned... but those thoughts form in my mind I know and am reminded how blessed we are.

Blessed that the need for surgery waited until we were stateside,
that it was just shy of my insurance policy expiring,
that it was able to be done by a neurosurgeon I know and trust.

I realize how incredibly blessed I am to have a family who can care for Joshua for a month, a husband who has taken care of my other two monkeys by himself at our new house and while I was able to recover knowing that my munchkins were all cared for. I'm struggling between mourning what was lost, mourning what didn't turn out like I would have liked, and realizing (through much much much self reminder) that things turned exactly like they should have, and in the best way possible... We have been blessed with furniture, funds to start over and so much more by friends and family and from people we've never even met... talk about blessed! We've been covered in prayer through the entire process and know that it's been by the grace of God that we've survived...

And we have survived, but surgery delayed the processing... the processing of re-entry, the feelings, the thoughts, the yuckies. There's so much that you have to put aside for the sake of survival... but now that the fog of surviving surgery has lifted a little, the wheels are starting to turn again...

We're not in Cochabamba anymore, and there's no flight booked to carry us back there to our apartment, to the boys' school, to our friends, to our teammates, to our church, and to our life.

Our life is here now.

I'm in a tug of war (TOW) with my heart to be at peace with that.

This new life is in a place...

where Wal-Mart runs are part of a weekly routine. (TOW... I'm so grateful that I have daily access to Children's Tylenol, Chili powder, new socks and milk in gallon jugs... but I miss knowing the people who check me out, looking people in the eye as we walk past each other and greeting whether we know each other or not).

where Sonic will still be just down the street (TOW... seriously? Sonic... right down the street? I'm happy as a clam for happy hour everyday... but the brain freeze I'm getting after coming from a no ice culture is causing me to lose brain cells with every swig of Cherry Limeade I take :)

where my parents will still be just a local cell phone call away (TOW... there's really not a tug of war here... I've been waiting for five years to have my parents just down the road from me, Gary and their grandkids... the only struggle is learning how to live alongside each other again :) thank goodness they're being very gracious with me as I figure it out!)

where there are a billion churches within a 5 mile radius of our house (TOW... Gary and I have never church shopped... we went from attending an inner city ministry church, to ministering there, to attending our supporting congregation, to attending the church we were working to plant... it's really hard to walk in the doors of a church as non-staff members... it's nice to leave the responsibility and pressure behind... but the automatic being "known" is going to be a hard thing to walk away from)

where it's seriously cold (TOW... I've complained for five years now that it's just not Christmasy feeling in Cochabamba because it's not cold enough... but now it's so cold and I'd kill to turn my kids lose outside to play in their flip flops!)

where we live in a "Christian" country (TOW... I'm so grateful to be back in a nation that was founded on faith and liberty, that for the most part is not corrupt (and if you have anything to say here, let's talk Bolivian history level corruption ok?!)... but why are we not living our faith outloud everyday? People in Bolivia knew why we were there. They knew what we stood for. They knew what our mission was. And I'm praying that we don't lose that overt way of living our faith being back here in the states).

That's all I've got for now :) it's a confusing, muddled place to be this mind of mine... thanks for reading (for the 2 of you who made it this far... and yes, I included my husband in that count :) This re-entry thing is an experience all its own. There is absolutely nothing like it in this world. I wouldn't trade it because that means that I would lose the life I've had, the experiences that have changed me, shaped me, and forever made me who I am today... I'm just praying I can figure out a way to live in peace with myself no matter what country my feet find themselves in... that's the goal...