I've realized more and more with every passing day that I have no idea what's going on inside of me... and since this place here, my little corner of the online world, usually involves me putting words to my thoughts, penning feelings and processing... I've been avoiding it... because this place that usually brings me such comfort is actually a scary place for me right now... so it's been put aside while I avoid all the confusion in my head and my heart...
The reality is that our family is so blessed!
The last month was supposed to be a month of settling in...
a month for us to get our feet underneath us,
for Gary to get ready and prepared for grad school,
for us visit our families,
for us to visit our supporters and churches,
and enjoy being back in the good 'ol US of A.
But instead it has been a time of survival. I can't lie and say that I'm not disappointed and frustrated that things didn't play out the way that we planned... but those thoughts form in my mind I know and am reminded how blessed we are.
Blessed that the need for surgery waited until we were stateside,
that it was just shy of my insurance policy expiring,
that it was able to be done by a neurosurgeon I know and trust.
I realize how incredibly blessed I am to have a family who can care for Joshua for a month, a husband who has taken care of my other two monkeys by himself at our new house and while I was able to recover knowing that my munchkins were all cared for. I'm struggling between mourning what was lost, mourning what didn't turn out like I would have liked, and realizing (through much much much self reminder) that things turned exactly like they should have, and in the best way possible... We have been blessed with furniture, funds to start over and so much more by friends and family and from people we've never even met... talk about blessed! We've been covered in prayer through the entire process and know that it's been by the grace of God that we've survived...
And we have survived, but surgery delayed the processing... the processing of re-entry, the feelings, the thoughts, the yuckies. There's so much that you have to put aside for the sake of survival... but now that the fog of surviving surgery has lifted a little, the wheels are starting to turn again...
We're not in Cochabamba anymore, and there's no flight booked to carry us back there to our apartment, to the boys' school, to our friends, to our teammates, to our church, and to our life.
Our life is here now.
I'm in a tug of war (TOW) with my heart to be at peace with that.
This new life is in a place...
where Wal-Mart runs are part of a weekly routine. (TOW... I'm so grateful that I have daily access to Children's Tylenol, Chili powder, new socks and milk in gallon jugs... but I miss knowing the people who check me out, looking people in the eye as we walk past each other and greeting whether we know each other or not).
where Sonic will still be just down the street (TOW... seriously? Sonic... right down the street? I'm happy as a clam for happy hour everyday... but the brain freeze I'm getting after coming from a no ice culture is causing me to lose brain cells with every swig of Cherry Limeade I take :)
where my parents will still be just a local cell phone call away (TOW... there's really not a tug of war here... I've been waiting for five years to have my parents just down the road from me, Gary and their grandkids... the only struggle is learning how to live alongside each other again :) thank goodness they're being very gracious with me as I figure it out!)
where there are a billion churches within a 5 mile radius of our house (TOW... Gary and I have never church shopped... we went from attending an inner city ministry church, to ministering there, to attending our supporting congregation, to attending the church we were working to plant... it's really hard to walk in the doors of a church as non-staff members... it's nice to leave the responsibility and pressure behind... but the automatic being "known" is going to be a hard thing to walk away from)
where it's seriously cold (TOW... I've complained for five years now that it's just not Christmasy feeling in Cochabamba because it's not cold enough... but now it's so cold and I'd kill to turn my kids lose outside to play in their flip flops!)
where we live in a "Christian" country (TOW... I'm so grateful to be back in a nation that was founded on faith and liberty, that for the most part is not corrupt (and if you have anything to say here, let's talk Bolivian history level corruption ok?!)... but why are we not living our faith outloud everyday? People in Bolivia knew why we were there. They knew what we stood for. They knew what our mission was. And I'm praying that we don't lose that overt way of living our faith being back here in the states).
That's all I've got for now :) it's a confusing, muddled place to be this mind of mine... thanks for reading (for the 2 of you who made it this far... and yes, I included my husband in that count :) This re-entry thing is an experience all its own. There is absolutely nothing like it in this world. I wouldn't trade it because that means that I would lose the life I've had, the experiences that have changed me, shaped me, and forever made me who I am today... I'm just praying I can figure out a way to live in peace with myself no matter what country my feet find themselves in... that's the goal...
