We're saying good-byes or having "lasts" on a daily basis... We're making decisions about stateside life and how our transition is going to play out (or we're not making decisions b/c we're still too far out which is even more stressful)... We're selling our things here in our home, which even though they're just things is still emotional... We're weighed down by alot and it's beginning to wear on us... ok, I'll speak for myself, it's beginning to really wear on me.
The other night Gary and I were having a "discussion" in the kitchen. I don't even remember what it was about (which means it must have been so important right?). I don't remember raising my voice. I don't remember feeling like we were having a fight. But what I do remember, and what will forever be enblazened in my mind is the look that Nathan had on his face when I turned around and realized he was in the room... he looked up at me with such sad little eyes and said, "Mommy, you talked ugly to Daddy." And as much as I wanted to deny it, to correct him and tell him that he simply misunderstood, he was right. It absolutely broke my heart to see the disappointment in my son's eyes. It brings tears to my eyes even now.
It was a humbling, heart breaking moment. One that I'm most certainly not proud of and one that I hope to never repeat, but I'm trying to see the good that can come from it... in that moment I was reminded of how deeply I affect my children and our home by the words I use, my tone of voice, and the way in which I handle conflict. I want to be a family that handles conflict openly and in a healthy way. I want my children to be able to identify and communicate well their feelings and thoughts. I want them to be able to dialogue through conflict or discussions in a respectful manner... none of which I did that night in the kitchen.
My son reminded me well that night that respect for my husband, for my children, for other's in my life, and ultimately for my God is something I struggle with greatly when I'm stressed... no excuses, just where I'm at. It makes me think of carving a pumpkin or cutting up a papaya... you know the gooey yucky that resides inside those fruits? I long for God to come and cut out, scrape out, clean out all the yuckies... Once they're cleaned out they are so yummy, but without the cleaning, the preparation, they're just ooey gooey mess. Life is always going to bring its stresses no matter where we live... even though it feels really intense right now... I'm praying that learning how to handle the stresses of this year in a Godly, respectful and honoring way will allow me to carry those lessons into the future of our family... so that I never see the disappointment in my sweet son's face again.
Thanks for sharing, Laura. You will do it again, though, you're a sinner, right? And the wonderful thing is that your little boy got to see that you are not perfect, that you need Jesus. What a wonderful opportunity to show him how to repent and be directed back to Jesus. It's sure humbling, though. : )
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Andrea... you're so right, I will do it again, and many times daily in fact... I just hope that look is one that I don't see for awhile. It's one thing to know that I've fallen short, it's another to see it in his sweet little eyes! thanks for the encouragement :) it's these great teaching opportunities that make parenting humbling and a blessing all at the same time!
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful post! It's so easy to forget that, sandwiched among the Bible talks and the Sunday school lessons, so much of what my children learn from me is taken in when I'm not even aware that I'm teaching. I want to do better, too!
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