This is what it means...

So to tell you how the last few days have been here in Cbba... there must be a time of confession. Not necessarily a confession that I am proud to disclose, but one that must be shared none the less. The last year has been a hard year for me... now I know that is not a newsflash to those who know me, or have followed the going ons in the life of the Bulls. But what is not always noticeable is that I had not truly enjoyed mommyhood like I had hoped to. Chalk it up to PPD, culture shock (to mommyland and Bolivia), or whatever else you might think of. But at the same time please don't misunderstand, I love my son, have from the day we found out he would one day enter our world. But have struggled so as a new mommy with confidence. Not sure if other new mommies struggle the same way, but I truly felt inadequate. That doesn't even begin to describe it though, there was an anxiety in my heart about being a mommy. If I had to take Nathan somewhere by myself, or go to church by myself (without Gary) there was an anxiety deep inside me about being enough. Not knowing if I could do it on my own. That yuckiness really spilled over into our marriage, into how I interacted with my husband and my son. Again, please know that my son has not been mistreated :) He has been loved and nurtured from the day he entered this world. But this last week he has been enjoyed by this mommy in a way that I never knew I could. I have loved being a mommy this week. From the crying to the laughing, I have loved every minute. I could tell you different reasons for the change, but there is only one that I know without a shadow of a doubt has come into my life like a fresh breeze, and that is the presence of my Lord. I have prayed and prayed over the last few weeks in a different way than I have since, well... truly since the miscarriage, and my life, my spirit, and my soul can attest to the difference. I thank God for His Spirit that He left to comfort, guide and impart His wisdom until His Son returns. That Spirit has been a new life in me this past week and I am reborn. So to all of those who have us in their daily prayers... know that no matter what you have been praying for us, your prayers have been answered, and this mommy is "disfrutando" (enjoying - savoring) my roles in life. It makes my heart ache a little that it has taken this long, but it is all in the Lord's timing, and His timing is ALWAYS perfect. Praise the Lord oh my soul!